Someone asks how you're doing. Before you've even checked in with yourself, the answer is already out: "I'm fine."
Even when the world is burning down around you. Even with a friend who could actually handle the truth.
Dr. Katie Estberg is a therapist who works in grief, EMDR, breathwork, and somatic healing, and this is her second time on the show. Her take is simple and kind of brutal: fine isn't a feeling. You won't find it anywhere on a feelings chart.
What we get into:
The math behind "fine." In half a second your brain asks: how well do I know this person, how much do I share, am I too much? Fear of judgment and fear of disappointment win, so fine comes out.
Doing the other person's thinking for them. She had a rough day yesterday, so you decide not to burden her. Even though she asked. Dr. Katie calls this making an executive decision for someone else.
What the strong one pays. When we cover everything with a blanket of fine, we lose connection. We don't feel seen or understood, because we never gave anyone the chance.
"I'm sorry" and "I'm fine" are cousins. Both are ways to take up less space. A friend of Dr. Katie's has a rule: every time someone says "I'm sorry," they have to say "I'm beautiful" instead.
Your body is giving you data. When you say fine and your chest tightens, that's information. Journaling can be three words: tight chest, irritable, heavy to-do list. Start connecting the dots.
One true thing. You don't owe the cashier your life story. "Rough morning, but it's looking up" is enough. Dr. Katie says clients who try it are almost always pleasantly surprised by how much people can handle.
Plus the rapid fire: Dr. Katie's current read (Calm Is a Skill) and how she finishes the sentence "Saying the true thing isn't weakness, it's..."
Want a free place to start listening to your body? Grab the Nervous System Reset at annievinje.com.
